Once in a while you get shown the light...
Dear Free Wanderer,
And on we go.
I'm writing on a day that, for me, started particularly difficult. I've been using a variety of "medicines" to help me get through this time, including nature, dance, and art. However, today (while facing looming self-imposed deadlines to finish many tasks before I enter a 7 day immersion training on Saturday) I felt anxiety mounting. I felt a building tension growing in the center of my chest, and radiating to my back. It felt like a fluttery and buzzing energy that threatened to grow and consume my being if I didn't MOVE. But I couldn't bring myself to do much movement other than vacuuming my entire apartment. Where was this energy trying to move me toward? And why couldn't I focus on my tasks at hand?
I share this, because I know I'm not alone in the waves of anxiety that have been washing over us. It's manifesting in different ways for each of us. We are being forced to sit with extreme uncertainty, being forced to live on a moment-by-moment basis. Many of us are used to feeling like we have control over our lives (even if that's an illusion), and now we do not. Now...we must learn to roll with the wave, or symbolically drown in the process of resisting it.
I believe this uncertainty is a great teacher, although perhaps a harsh one for many of us. (I'm picturing Pai Mei, the kung fu master from Tarantino's Kill Bill 2...)
This uncertainty is asking us:
Who are we, when everything is upended?
Who are we, when we recognize that we must surrender control?
Who are we, when the darkness threatens to swallow us whole?
Who are we, at our core, and in our depths?
What is arising during this time? Even our greatest fears, our hidden fears (completely unrelated to the current events), may be shining up through the murky water from the mucky bottom.
For example, I notice I have sneaky fears of abandonment and fears of being rejected and alone in this world, rising up in my being. This has nothing to do with the external circumstances of this world, but it has everything to do with what I cling to when I feel out of control.
I've realized that I can choose to see this as an opportunity to shake up all of the shadows that hold me back from living my most free life.
It's a chance to look at my fears, and my resistances, in the face and say, "I see you. I thank you for your service. I love you. Teach me what I need to know, and then you can go."
I can choose to see this as an opportunity to learn over and over again how to truly flow...and how to shine my brightest light in the process.
And while the teacher is harsh, and this is trial by fire...man, I just think the Grateful Dead said it best..."Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right."
Oh, and I got out of my house today and went to our local juice shop Juicelation. The sunset drive to Classic Vinyl XM, along with the the meaningful conversation with the bright people there, helped ease my anxiety. Don't underestimate the power of connection, even during a time where we are physically separated by ranges of 6 feet to vast oceans. Reach out to others. You are not alone.
Love,
Jen
P.S. In the fall I wrote a poem on shadow work, the process of looking at and learning from our depths -- from all of our parts, even our unloved aspects of ourselves that lurk in the shadows of our own being. It feels particularly fitting as we navigate these difficult waters. Please feel free to read it here.
